Race for Middle Earth
by Mistressofmiddleearth
Summary: The race for Middle Earth BEGINS!
1. Default Chapter

DISCLAIMER: unfortunately I own nothing of LOTR (although I'd like to own Orlando and a few other Hollywood hotties) and I don't own Ford either. So sad I have nothing but my obsessions and strange ways and a teddy named Señor squeakums sniffle

I'm standing at the starting line wondering what the hell I was thinking when I proposed the idea to these people. Was I drunk or high? No, no unfortunately for me I was neither. It must have been my like of competition between the elite or maybe my sick and twisted mind that made me come up with this whole race idea. Yes, a cross country race amongst the peoples of Middle Earth.

The race was to begin in New York and end in Los Angeles with the teams as follows: The hobbits in one car, Legolas and Gimli in another, Aragorn and Elrond, and Arwen and Galadriel. To make this race fair they would all be driving 2005 Ford Explores. "Miss. Announcer," Says a high pitched manly voice.

"Yes, Sam."

"Do we get to pick what color SUV we want?"

"No Sam, for the 300reth time you do not!"

"But Mr. Frodo and I want the blue one because it matches his eyes and my purse!"

"For the final time NO!"

"But Merry and Pippin want the blue one to and besides the blue one sparkles when the sun hits it!"

"Fine you can have the blasted blue one!"

"YAY!"

Then he skipped, yes I kid you not skipped to the blue one and all the hobbits let out a rather excited and girly scream as they piled into the blue Ford. I defiantly had my work cut out for me. Thankfully that was the one and only color complaint I had.

"When are we going to get this damn thing on the road?" screamed Gimli

"When you let Legolas toss you into the car"

"NO ONE TOSSES A DWARF"

"Well then I guess the race wont start"

"Fine, oh leggy come toss me into the tuck"

"I just got a manicure so I won't be doing any tossing unless it's tossing my golden locks out of my face," said Legolas in an ever so metro-sexual way.

"Racers to your cars"

They raced and jumped into their brand new SUV's as I stood at the starting line with the pistol in my hand ready to start. They all knew the rules or at least I hoped they did, and they all had maps. Oh shizzle! I didn't give them maps! Eh oh well they managed to get to Mount Doom and back I think they can make it to California ok.


	2. A Hobbits Tale

DISCLAIMER: i own nothing! you already knew that? Well look how smart youare!

Note: second chapter! yay! i hopeyou good people like it and it is infact up to your standars.R&R please!

DON'T FORGET TO TELL YOUR FRIENDS!

indicates my personal note

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I shot the gun in the air and they were off to a rather rocky start. Well the Hobbits, with Frodo driving, went flying into reverse at a good 60 miles an hour.

"Mr. Frodo! Mr. Frodo slow down and put it in drive!"

Frodo slammed his hairy foot down on the break and when the car came to a halt Pippin's face hit the windshield. Smart me I made sure, before the race began, to replace all the windshields and back windows with plexy glass. Lord knows, I don't want to be getting a huge bill for window replacements after this thing is over.  
Froder turned around to face Sam.

"Sam, I said you couldn't sit in the front because I know you would be one of those annoying people that dictates what the driver does, I believe they are called front seat drivers? I thought it would be safe to place you in the back seat and look what happens now you're a back seat driver which is worse then a front seat driver because now I can't strike you!"

"I thought I meant something to you Mr. Frodo! After all those wonderful times, you still don't respect me enough to talk to me in a civilized manner?" Sam said through the sobs.

"Oy! Look Pip, Sam is sobbing like a girl lets poke and taunt him!"

Pippin, who was to busy trying to stop his bloody nose, didn't respond. Merry began poking at Samin a violent manner which would make even the Pillsbury dough boy twitch. Frodo finally figured out how to put the truck in drive and they were once again speeding down the highway at 60 mph. They began weaving in and out of traffic; no one was spared from the wrath of the crazed hobbits. Frodo was too occupied with reaching the first check point that he didn't even use his blinker, which caused soccer moms and Business men alike to honk their horns in extreme frustration.

"Oh pipe down you maggot!" screamed Sam from his lowly back-seat place. After they caused quite a scene trying to leave the city, they finally reached the open highway. Merry had the urge to imitate celebrities in limos by stick his head out of the moon roof. After being amused for a good 5 minuets by the clicking noise the button made every time you hit it, he finally stuck his head out the roof. To his great displeasure, a seagull that happened to be flying over head had to relieve himself and it landed right on Merry's head. Sam, Frodo, and Pip were in frenzy, giggling like cheerleaders when the quarterback smiles at them. gag cheerleaders and football players.

"Oh shut up, like it's never happened to you before!"

"Actually," said Sam who managed to stop laughing long enough to say something, "It never has!" They all continued laughing while Merry just sat there looking pissed off and contemplating a plan to wipe out the worlds entire seagull population.

They had to make it to Kentucky. That's where the first stop was and the first one there got free dinner and didn't have to sleep in their cars or in Arwen's case, her significant other's car.

"Drive faster Mr. Frodo! You know I can't sleep on hard surfaces and sleeping in the car with your crap coved kin's men is going to kill my back even more!" whined Sam.

"Oh shut up Sam I'm driving as fast as I bloody can!"

"No, your not," said Pippin, " The speed limit is 70 and your only going 55."

"That's because I can only give it so much gas without being able to see over this damn dashboard!"

"Oh, well must be you're extremely short then."

"Pippin! You horse's ass! We're the same height!"

"Really? Oh but I want to drive it has always been my dream to drive a race car!"

"First off," said Frodo, " This is not a race car this is a 2005 Ford Explorer. Second, you never wanted to be a race car driver you are just saying that so I'll let you drive even though I told you that you can't drive until we get to the Kentucky."

"LOOK! There it is!"

"Nice try dumb ass, but that's Kentucky as in Kentucky Fried Chicken!"

"Damn it! My plan is foiled once again! I'll get you for this Frodo Baggins, before this race is over I will have my Revenge!" Pippin screamed fist raised high over his head in a threatening manner.


End file.
